After thinking through the day about trying to win my ex-boyfriend's love back, I thought that it would be hard to push yourself to someone who does not love you. What benefits could I be getting from this guy? He has proven that he is uncertain in a lot of things. He has already proven that I do not have any future with him. He has already proven that he does not love me anymore. He is not up for the challenges when in a relationship. I thought a lot about it and even prayed for it.
During lunchtime, I went to the Carmelites Monastery to pray. The silence there keeps me calm and it lets me communicate to God heartily. I asked God, is being "cared for" enough in a relationship? Is saying "I love you" supposed to be responded with "I care for you"? Is this what you are saying "to be contented"? Am I supposed to be contented with what I have rather than what I need? These are the questions that I asked God. I may not have been given the full answer yet in my level of understanding, but what I am feeling is that, God wants me to let go already. That's all I can understand for now.
Until now, my ex-boyfriend and I are just friends. But I think the way we hold our hands and his tiny kisses on my cheek and forehead means, we still have a chance. But what I'm afraid of is that, a small mistake can trigger another incident of him to really fall out of love rather than fall in love with me. A small mistake can cause a dilemma. A small mistake takes the last chance I have with him. A small mistake ends everything that we had. I do not want this kind of relationship. I'm afraid to get hurt again. To feel the pain on what I've gone through. To feel that nobody loves me. To feel that someone is pulling me down. To feel that I am not worthy of loving. And especially, to regret the time I wasted. I can't handle that again. That's what I feel now. That's what I don't need. I don't want to think again on ways of how to end my miseries, they would be as easy as drowning myself to death, jumping off a building, or putting a bullet on my head. I don't want to sell my soul to the devil. I don't want to put out my dreams for my family, just because of a man that shattered them. I want to feel that I can freely express myself to who I am with.
Although, I might be feeling what he has felt before, at least, at his time, I gave him too much love in return. If he wants me to feel what he felt before, then I would suggest he also share the same amount of love I gave to him previously.
On the end of the day, as I write this small piece, I am yet uncertain of my decision. But I still decide to let go. I feel that I do not love him enough now. I feel that I do not care for him that much. I feel that he can not love me the way I did. And I feel that we will not love each other like the first time that we did.
During lunchtime, I went to the Carmelites Monastery to pray. The silence there keeps me calm and it lets me communicate to God heartily. I asked God, is being "cared for" enough in a relationship? Is saying "I love you" supposed to be responded with "I care for you"? Is this what you are saying "to be contented"? Am I supposed to be contented with what I have rather than what I need? These are the questions that I asked God. I may not have been given the full answer yet in my level of understanding, but what I am feeling is that, God wants me to let go already. That's all I can understand for now.
Until now, my ex-boyfriend and I are just friends. But I think the way we hold our hands and his tiny kisses on my cheek and forehead means, we still have a chance. But what I'm afraid of is that, a small mistake can trigger another incident of him to really fall out of love rather than fall in love with me. A small mistake can cause a dilemma. A small mistake takes the last chance I have with him. A small mistake ends everything that we had. I do not want this kind of relationship. I'm afraid to get hurt again. To feel the pain on what I've gone through. To feel that nobody loves me. To feel that someone is pulling me down. To feel that I am not worthy of loving. And especially, to regret the time I wasted. I can't handle that again. That's what I feel now. That's what I don't need. I don't want to think again on ways of how to end my miseries, they would be as easy as drowning myself to death, jumping off a building, or putting a bullet on my head. I don't want to sell my soul to the devil. I don't want to put out my dreams for my family, just because of a man that shattered them. I want to feel that I can freely express myself to who I am with.
Although, I might be feeling what he has felt before, at least, at his time, I gave him too much love in return. If he wants me to feel what he felt before, then I would suggest he also share the same amount of love I gave to him previously.
On the end of the day, as I write this small piece, I am yet uncertain of my decision. But I still decide to let go. I feel that I do not love him enough now. I feel that I do not care for him that much. I feel that he can not love me the way I did. And I feel that we will not love each other like the first time that we did.
