Was my prayer not enough?

Finally, I've let go!

Christmas day! It was supposed to be happy for everyone, but not for me.  I had to blurt out the decision I've made for both my boyfriend and I.  We're on shaky grounds for more than a month.  Let me go back to what happened.

On the last week of October, we suspected that I might be with child.  Knowing that this will be a possibility, I discussed it with him.  I thought he would readily accept the consequence of our deed.  But he was not.  I told him all out about having a family.  And that I was ready, but I need him with me full time.  A lot of things were said.  I told him how dependent his family was to him and that he might have to change his priority when the baby arrives.  But he can't.  He can't make a decision outright with his possible new family.  So I told him either he stays with us or he walks away.  And he chose the latter.  Yes... The Latter.  As hurtful as it was, we did not have any communication for more than a week, except, for the time that I asked him if he had my ATM.  He did.  He dropped it off and approached me as if nothing happened.  For me, I was still upset with the situation.  He asked if we could talk about it, but I refused to, since it still hurts.  I called him again to drop off my laundry at the office where I'm working.  He met me at the lobby and whispered that he inserted a Pregnancy Test Kit for me to verify if we're really expecting.  I sent a text message to him that day that he should rejoice and that it was negative.  From that on, he never contacted me anymore.

For weeks I kept my mouth shut.  Until one day, my colleague asked me how he was.  And I blurted out that we weren't together anymore.  A week after that, I really felt severe depression, anxiety and was furious.  Using my mom's account in Facebook, I saw a picture of him partying.  Enraged, I called him up and asked him to pay me up with the money he owes me or else, I will be filing a case against him.  That's when he sounded like a mere beggar asking for alms.  The day after the pitiful event, he came to our house to ask for further time.  Since I'm still furious, I kept on pushing him.  He had a lot of time to prepare the money and all he did was party.  Two pay days have passed and he was not able to drop a message telling that he can't pay up.  Several days have passed, he keeps on coming back to ask for further days to give him time to get the money.  Still furious, I kept on pushing.  As heavy as it feels, but the money was the only thing that I could do to hurt him.  Let him feel what I've felt when chose to leave and go partying as if nothing happened.

Weeks have passed and he paid me up.  I really wanted to fix the two of us.  But he was hesitant.  He said, there's something missing in me.  That he was not ready.  That I was holding him up to do the things that he want, things like, Badminton, Outreach Programs, Fun Runs, and other stuff that he did when he was single.  He said, those things refreshes his soul.  I told him, I never restrained him from doing anything since I've learned from the last big fight we had.  I also told him he had the time but all he did was play.  He kept on giving outright reasons why he can't be with me anymore.  He told me that there are times that he wished I was dead.  Or that I should have died!  That way, he can get out of our relationship.  But still, I never really gave a damn about it.

I kept on pushing.  Because I still loved him. I loved him very much! I could never let go.

I was heavily depressed for a couple of weeks.  I don't want to work.  I don't to want to eat. I can't sleep.  I don't want to move.  I was ready to die at that moment.  I was ready to be with God.   I thought of ways to die.  Then one day, I just gave up.  I called him up and told him everything.  I told him, if we can't be together, then what's the purpose of my life.  I should end everything.  I was going to kill myself.  Then he called up and cried.  He told me he was sorry to have put me in this position.  He went to my house.  He went there and saw me sitting at the edge of my bed, crying and feeling helpless.  He went and hugged me.  I didn't feel anything.  I wanted to hug him back, but I just can't do that.  I just cried.  We were silent for a couple of minutes.  I started talking.  I told him, that I just can't handle it anymore.  I've been thinking for weeks on what's that missing thing.  What is the mere thing that I don't have.  He answered back, "I have high expectations from you.".  I was shocked.  We're back to square one.  Expectations.  Expectations should have been in the past.  I had mine and I changed it to keep us together.  And now, he tells me he has high expectations.  I changed myself for him.  I focused my world to him.  I gave him every dream that he wants and needs, like, unconditional love, a future for us, stuff he needed, and places to go since he loves traveling.  I put on a lot of effort for both of us.  All for him.  All for his happiness.  And for everything, now, he blames me.  He blames me that I didn't live up to his expectations, I was the one holding him back, I was the one who kept me from his dreams of going out to the world, I was the one who takes all his time, and I was the one who should be gone.  I laid everything out to him.  I have nothing to lose because he was lost already.  He should've asked himself.  Isn't it wise to think and ask what he was doing lately?  Because lately, I haven't really spent that much time because he keeps on playing his stupid loser online game.   I keep on asking him to play badminton with me.  I asked him when should we be going for a jog. I asked him to go out with his friends.  But what did he do? Just play his lame online game.  And there's another thing, he's not doing good in his work too.  He's been told by his manager that he has commitment issues. AND NOW, I understand why he is not good for the Team Lead job. I now understand why, he's not given that job!  And he did agree with me.  He told me he's an addict.  A game addict! And his reason was that an addict does not really get out easily of their addiction.  I told him why were you not addicted to us. To our future.  To the kid who could have been with us.  But he didn't answer.  I was crying as I really felt I was stabbed a lot of times until all pain emerged.  What did I do to get this kind of suffering? What did I do to get this kind of treatment? I never did anything that made him feel bad, made him feel like he was a loser, made him feel he was never good enough.  When my mom heard me cry out so loud, she intervened, that's when he told us that he was addicted.  My mom was the one talking to him.  She told him why is he blaming me for all the things that are missing.  And then he kept on explaining that it wasn't my fault. That it was his. And that, it's all because of his addiction.  We were left alone by mom to talk.  We talked and he hugged me tightly. I went back up to my bed.  Curled up.  And he hugged me again.  He tried apologizing and blamed addiction.  Many hours passed by, we talked and talked.  I was already trying to forgive him.  And forgiveness did come.  He made a promise that from now on, he will change.  But it will still be difficult.  He said that we should fix our misunderstandings right away and not wait for it to go for long days.

Days passed by.  We were going along nicely.  But then I still kept on thinking about everything.  I was trying my best to be able to feel fine again.  We were happy when we are together.  But when we're not, all seems to be wrong.  We still had simple misunderstandings but we try to fix it again.  Two days before Christmas, we went strolling in the mall and we were looking for a digital camera for him to buy for his family.  Time was almost up for that day since he has to go home.  And all that day, I was still thinking about our situation.  The previous years, he was eager to spend Christmas with me, even for a couple of hours before he goes home, but now, he was eager to go home.  Even if he says he can still wait up for me until I finish shopping, but I could feel he really wants to leave.  I don't want to keep him waiting.  So while in a shop inside a mall, I told him with a heavy heart, that he should go home, but he insisted that he'll stay until I finish.  But I was hesitant for him to stay long, because I don't want him to blame me again because of lack of time for himself and family.  He left and tried to kiss and hug me.  But I didn't hug nor kiss him back.  That was the time, my world fell down.  It struck hard that he really wasn't into us anymore.  That I keep on lying to myself, that we were OK.  The last night of Misa de Gallo came.  I attended it.  I prayed hard to Sto. Nino if I should go on with our relationship.  I asked for a sign.  A red rose for a NO, a white or any other color for a YES. 

Christmas hour was fast approaching.  He called up.  Greeted as if nothing happened.  He knew that when we were in the shop, I was frustrated.  But didn't bring it up.  He asked what I was doing and I answered him in a dry tone that I was playing.  I really didn't want to talk to him that night.  But since he insisted, I did.  I told him that I was not happy anymore.  I didn't have anything to look forward anymore.  That, I was only happy when we are together, but when we are apart, I'm not.  He told me he's not ready to settle down.  I said to him, that's not the issue anymore, cause I was very willing to wait for him anytime.  Now, I'm not.  I can't imagine him doing it again in the future.  Especially, if we're going to end up together, he'll probably go into the "shutdown" phase.  I can't bear it anymore.  I can't go into that phase again.  Too much pain that I didn't deserve was enough.  For my father said, "Fool me once, shame on me.  Fool me twice, shame on you.".  But I guess, he has not realized anything yet.  I am a forgiving and trusting person.  If I want some things to stay, I give them a lot of chances.  Unlimited chances even.  But for this one, I am not sure anymore.  Giving him a lot of chance will not only make his head grow bigger, but rather, it would make him more immature.  Given that there was an divine intervention, then this time, I am sure.  

I still admit that I would like for us to work out.  And that, by this time, we really want and need each other.  But if God decides our fate is to part ways and never again meet somewhere along the path of life, then, it is His final decision.  I know there might be someone for me some day.

Most of the times, I still wonder why I don't feel anything.  When I tell my close friends, they have their own opinions.  But in the end, I'm the one who decides.  There are times that when I tell my closest friends, tears roll down.  And during the composition of this blog, tears keep on running.  I really sense there is hope for us.  But only if both of us are ready and committed.  I am sure I am committed.  I may have some things to change but I really am committed.  But what about him?  Is he committed enough?  Will his girl be his priority?  Will he ever tend to man up and face the truth of being in a relationship? Or will he just settle down, play, try to wonder and not do anything?

I still keep on praying to Sto. Nino if I ever did the right decision.  I asked for another sign again.  If we're going to be together, he'll come back within a month.  If not, then, that's it.

Contentment and Happiness. Should the two go together? Or is either sufficient? -Circa 2011

 Did you ever get the feeling that you're happy but not contented? Did you ever get the feeling that you're contented but not happy?

I did! And I experienced both. This year seems to be a very adventurous one. Let me tell you how I got these.

I am happy with my job.  But sadly, not with my boss.  My job fits my creativeness and mental ability to solve problems on the spot.  Yes, I'm bragging about it.  You can't develop creativeness and problem solving with only math and science. You also need experience.  And it took me 4 years to get that.

Yes, I am totally not happy with my boss and this affects my job productivity.  I directly report to him and I do whatever he says. So, that kinda sucks..... Imagine how he uses his power to manipulate how you want to go with your career.  Where's your decision on that?  The one that should be driving your career should be your own self.  But I don't know with his case.  I feel that way and never understood his intentions.  What I just understood is that he wants me out of his way. So I'm giving him what he wants.

Earlier this year, I was very anxious to get a job in Singapore.  I spent my vacation for a week in the said country.  At first, I was very dazzled by how clean and how orderly things seem to be.  How I find some things that are cheap and some very expensive.

Thursday... It was the day my friend and I went to watch "Songs of the seas" together with our office mate and his family.  While waiting for the show to start, my friend and I were watching others digging into their snacks, buying food and munching them like they were hungry wolves, while for us, we were just staring and feeling our stomach growling.  We didn't buy since we only have a few bucks left.  That's when it came to my mind that we really needed get a job in Singapore to be able to afford a luxurious vacation, that includes, a lot of money to buy whatever things we want and the stuff that we needed.  We were talking in vernacular thinking that the Filipino that was sitting with us in the same table didn't understand us, but to our amazement, he did!  He offered us some of the food that he bought in the food cart.  How embarrassing could that be!?! As we were drowned with the feeling of shame, we politely refused the offered food and got out immediately.  We then laughed hard and talked to our colleague about it.  He was laughing crazy and told us that he offered us food but we didn't take any.  We were so ashamed and I thought to myself, that I should really get a high paying job.  That way, we won't be talking about how starved and how lowly we are, that we can't buy anything to eat.

On that same week, since it was really part of the plan to do a job hunt while we were there, we did spent some ample time applying online.  But to no avail, we did not receive any calls.  A month has passed since our so-called vacation, an HR personnel from an MNC in Singapore called us since we were referred by our friend.  We were requested for an interview but we just can't go back and entertain, one interview.  For me, that was not a good deal.  I would only go there if I had 2-3 interviews, the least.  Also, I was thinking that if I got the job, I still have Training Bond with my company that would cost half a million in Philippine Peso(yes!, I do!).  So, I intentionally turned off my phone, having the battery drained and just plainly max'd out my credit plan, causing it to be unreachable.  After a couple of weeks, my friend kept on asking me if they have reached me and I said I didn't.  I didn't tell her of course for that matter.  A couple of weeks have past and the HR personnel contacted my friend and set up a phone interview for her.  She did the interview and was asked to go for a personal interview.  After the deed, she got the job.  There I was so excited yet sad that she will be gone in the office, I cried and wept as I thought I would be alone to face my challenges.  So I went ahead and called the HR personnel and told her that I didn't received any calls from her.  I asked her if the position was still open and it was not.  In the dire need of a new opportunity, I found a promo fare in one of the local airlines and bought at a fair price.  Days passed and the HR personnel called me up for a position.  It was not with the same manager that my friend was hired with.  So then, I just went on I tried.  To my surprise, the interview was not normal.  At first, the interviewers were very late. And to tell, it was that late that the first one called up an hour after the schedule.  The second interviewer did join half an hour later than the first one.  We did the interview, and to my astonishment, I kind of said it was a "so-so".  I mean, I surely did my best and got drained afterwards.  They asked me for a personal interview, and luckily, I purchased a promo fare ahead. So time went on until my friend and I went back to Singapore. Wednesday.  It was the day I had my personal interview. I got the job.... but it didn't feel right.... It really didn't feel right... I met the two interviewers personally.  Here's how the interview went.  They were late for an hour(Yep! But I had no reason to leave because I was not the interviewer).  They asked technical questions, and I told them the truth that I really am not into Java.  All they wanted to know was that I was capable to understand and build some programming logic.  And I did! They also asked me some logical questions like, "If I had a sock with no pair, how many socks do I need to get to instantly get the pair of the one I was holding?".  I struggled to most of the logical questions but then gave them some logical answers that puzzled them because I used my Test Engineering mind and used scenarios(Haha! they didn't get it! or was it plainly wrong.. hehe!).

So the countdown to my last day at "Company Awesome" starts.  I gave my resignation a week after I came home since my boss went on vacation.  But I really prayed hard and made a decision and interpreted my feelings as a challenge.  But they shouldn't have been. I should have listened to them.  But then, I cried each day. I cried each day thinking that the place I'm heading does not seem to be right.  It really isn't the right place to be.  I really didn't like it.  I know it can boost my financial dream, but it's really not the right place to be.  Just not now.  Then came the last day.  Tears were flowing, hugs were blooming out of nowhere, well wishes, good lucks and farewell.  That was the place that made me happy but not contented.

So, I went on to my next job.  The first week was horrible.   The first day was the worst! I got the message, "You will be fired since once you screw up even a bit!". Damn! I got challenged. My first Friday, was worst of all worst.  "You are to finish everything in 6 weeks and you're already in a critical path!".  Then, that's when it hit hard. Like I was dumped with a boulder.  Since then, I tried to encourage myself. Finishing every reading material and understanding everything in a little time.  Catching up with deadlines without overtime.  Learning everything in a matter of hours.  Learning two new full system in a week.  That was fast! And trying to finish everything before the deadline. And still I did all those things, but to no avail.  My lead didn't see the things that I accomplished.  I got the impression that she did not want to hire me nor liked me at all.  2 months have passed, I raised the white flag.  I set it off, talked to my manager and gave the letter.  He asked and I just couldn't tell him everything.  Since I don't want to change any perspective on how he saw how good was my Lead.  I don't want to ruin his views.  Just the week afterm he asked for a follow up and told me that maybe I just was not comfortable with the new environment.  I told him, I'm the kind that does not equate happiness with comfort.  There are times that when you're comfortable, you're no longer happy.  And he jumped into conclusion that I might be homesick.  Yes, I am, but it was not the real reason.  I have decided not to tell it to him.  Days have passed, the HR Manager called and set up a meeting.  The day of the reckoning came.  To my disappointment, the HR Manager, is again, L.A.T.E.  Yes, Late!  An hour plus another half an hour late.  So I left. We rescheduled the meeting.  It was the final day of reckoning.  I was emotional.  I hold on to my feelings but just couldn't.  I blurted it all out.  And He got everything.  Days have passed and it seem everything to be final.  I chose to stay for a couple of weeks. Yes, I really had to since they have to take a couple of thousands for the tax.  I thought everything was done for. 

One day, my Lead invited me for a coffee.  I really don't want to talk to her. I insisted that I do not want to.  But she was persistent, so I went.  We talked a lot.  She apologized for the words she used.  The way she talked enlightened me. It was as if, it was God who talked to me and not the she-Devil that I knew of her.  She gave a lot of experiences from hers and from her brother.  It was a sign of relief. She was not mad. For a moment there, I wanted to stay.  But I thought to myself, "If I stayed, wouldn't she use the incident to based it on my performance?".  So I stayed with my decision, to pursue my resignation.  The final week came.  My Lead had a plan for a vacation on my last day.  The day before she went out, she thanked me for all the things that I contributed and to all the things I have added to her experience. As to my Manager, he stop speaking to me after I handed him my resignation. That was the last time I spoke to him. 

When I got back to Cebu, I saw my family and my favorite Aunt Lee.  She comes to home once in a year.  I saw my mom, who I immediately hugged, and my sister, who was smiling.  I saw the man who kept me strong while I was there, my Love.  Along with the family was my cousin, he also welcomed me back.  They all missed me and got a laugh at the joke that the reason why I went back home is because of my boyfriend.  I laughed with them and told them my story. 

Time passed by and I kept on hearing things about me.  Especially, when people always say "you were already lucky compared to others who would die for an opportunity you wasted!".  A lot of people have been criticizing me.... A lot of things have been on my mind lately.--  Getting a job.  Running out of money.  Being a free-loader.  And I'm the most stupid person on earth. Regrets, there were a lot!-- Yes, I was very depressed.  I also thought, that my family hated me because I can't give them money.  And maybe, it was partly true... I think.  Well, I have to move on.  With my boyfriend always giving me the strength and the pep talk about moving on, I really did.  I got up and aggressively look for ways to apply for a job. Freelance, Employment-basis, starting my business(yeah, I got to that point).  Luckily, a friend from Singapore helped me.  His girlfriend forwarded my resume to their company.  I got interviewed and got in!

Christmas was in the air!  I started on the first week of December. Thank God!  I was really grateful that all things have gone smoothly.  I kept on thinking to myself, "God! Even though, I still feel regrets about making an abrupt decision, but the only thing I don't have a regret, is when I decided to come home." 

That Christmas, the only thing I was thankful for, was for a very adventurous year! I learned life's journey the hard way.


The year 2011 was a year full of experiences.  Life and it's challenges seems to have given me a jab.  But no matter how hard it was, I knew when to raise the white flag.  I know when to get up.  I know when to ask for help.  And I know, that there will always be help.

Those experiences meant a lot to me.

Life isn't fair. But I'm grateful!

Life isn't always fair.  But we should be grateful that it's happening the way it should be. 

I am a 25-year old lady.  Single, sort-of-the-bread winner, and full of what if's.  I have found myself to be the kind of person who is pessimistic, realist and always thinking that there is always "that second choice".  I have made quite big decisions that made a huge impact on my life.  I went to college and took up Information Technology instead of the trending course of Nursing.  I went to Singapore despite the fact that my gut feeling was against it. 

For me, I have lived my life well.  Although, people will always talk about things, most especially, that I went to give up working in Singapore.  For a lot of people, it was a chance of a lifetime.  Well, I tried that chance, but it really didn't work for me, or, I just didn't worked that hard. But I trust my decision.  That place will always be there, no matter what I do, it is there. 

We do have a lot of doubts in life.  What if I did this? What if I chose that? What if I went to? What if's! There's a lot of them.   I try to answer them as much as I can.  And every time I do, a part of it are regrets and success.  When you feel you've regretted what you do, then by all means, feel it for a couple of months.  I mean, most people would either blame you for what you did, or, they tell you "no regrets".  For me, if you feel to have regretted what you have done, then do feel that sensation, BUT, don't let it linger for too long.  A couple of days, weeks, months, will pass, if you still feel it, FORGIVE YOURSELF.  And with God's blessing, after you've woke up from a good night's sleep, you will feel relieved, replenished, and ready to go for another adventure.

Since I've already mentioned about my work in Singapore, I readily accept the fact, that I did regret leaving my previous company prior to my departure to the said country. I tested the waters with both feet. Yes! Both! This is in contrary to the saying, "Don't test the water with both feet". But for a couple of months after coming back here in Cebu, I still did regret it a lot.  I felt relieved when I forgave myself.  I understood how God wanted me to try things.  I understood that it was really meant to happen.  He let me feel that I was already very lucky to have things beforehand.  That it was enough.  That I had too much and he just wanted me to lay low.  At first, I said a lot about life being unfair, how come I'm not that, how come I don't have that, how come I belong to a family of poor people.  Yes! The words are tough and too hard to handle, but I really did say them.  But you know what?! I'm still grateful.  Grateful, that in spite of what had happen, I still have my family, my mom, sister, and brother, who were happy when I got home(but a little dismayed because I don't have a huge salary anymore), my boyfriend, who welcomed me very much, my Aunt, who was really proud of what I have done and achieved.  I am grateful that I tested the water with both feet, because it made me realize, no matter how deep the ocean was, I can swim back towards the surface. 

Life isn't fair. But it's worth the ride.

A Decision

After thinking through the day about trying to win my ex-boyfriend's love back, I thought that it would be hard to push yourself to someone who does not love you.  What benefits could I be getting from this guy?  He has proven that he is uncertain in a lot of things.  He has already proven that I do not have any future with him.  He has already proven that he does not love me anymore.  He is not up for the challenges when in a relationship.  I thought a lot about it and even prayed for it. 

During lunchtime, I went to the Carmelites Monastery to pray.  The silence there keeps me calm and it lets me communicate to God heartily.  I asked God, is being "cared for" enough in a relationship?  Is saying "I love you" supposed to be responded with "I care for you"? Is this what you are saying "to be contented"? Am I supposed to be contented with what I have rather than what I need? These are the questions that I asked God. I may not have been given the full answer yet in my level of understanding, but what I am feeling is that, God wants me to let go already.  That's all I can understand for now. 

Until now, my ex-boyfriend and I are just friends.  But I think the way we hold our hands and his tiny kisses on my cheek and forehead means, we still have a chance.  But what I'm afraid of is that, a small mistake can trigger another incident of him to really fall out of love rather than fall in love with me.  A small mistake can cause a dilemma.  A small mistake takes the last chance I have with him.  A small mistake ends everything that we had.  I do not want this kind of relationship.  I'm afraid to get hurt again.  To feel the pain on what I've gone through.  To feel that nobody loves me. To feel that someone is pulling me down.  To feel that I am not worthy of loving. And especially, to regret the time I wasted.  I can't handle that again.  That's what I feel now.  That's what I don't need.  I don't want to think again on ways of how to end my miseries, they would be as easy as drowning myself to death, jumping off a building, or putting a bullet on my head.  I don't want to sell my soul to the devil. I don't want to put out my dreams for my family, just because of a man that shattered them. I want to feel that I can freely express myself to who I am with.

Although, I might be feeling what he has felt before, at least, at his time, I gave him too much love in return.  If he wants me to feel what he felt before, then I would suggest he also share the same amount of love I gave to him previously.

On the end of the day, as I write this small piece, I am yet uncertain of my decision.  But I still decide to let go.  I feel that I do not love him enough now.  I feel that I do not care for him that much.  I feel that he can not love me the way I did. And I feel that we will not love each other like the first time that we did.

I have to let go!

I felt I was in cloud nine when I patched things up with my ex-boyfriend. After we talked several things out, the thought of getting back with him is my main focus on that night.  But as we got it through, he asked me if we were going back together, and I said yes at first, but he asked me to be friends only, and I did accept it, but still thinking that I got back with him.  As we walked along going to a special church to pray for his ill relative, I asked him if he loved me when we were together months before, and he said he only cared for me. He instilled in me that he does not love me anymore, He only cares for me.  No matter how I asked if he did love me, he only answered he cares for me.  I know its already a heartbreaking statement coming from the one you love the most, but I still am in the thought that we're back together and it was fine with me already. 

Not until the night after.  He "texted" me after watching a movie with the whole team, asking if how was it and some chitchats.  Later, I kind of realized I was already taking too much time from him.  I remembered perfectly well that the cause of our breakup was because I demanded too much time from him, so I texted him that I might be disturbing him, so he should sleep now.  He responded that he needed too and we should talk again some time.  For me, that was it.  I really felt he does not love me anymore.  Who am I fooling? I just need to let go.  He does not love me.  He may need me but love was not in the picture.  He may care for me(still in question.. really!) and I for him, but love in this kind of relationship is a one-way flow. I just have to bang my head to be able to realize more.  I need to stop communicating with him.  I need to stop our chitchats. I need to stop caring for him.  I need to stop loving him. 

The truth hurts.  And no matter how I want for us to go on, I can't go through another set of pain.  What happened was enough.  It was more than enough.  I realized what my mistakes were and having to correct them is not through a person who will not accept that I will try, that I will really try.  I just can't accept that he no longer gives a damn of what I do, for all he can see are mistakes.  What I am afraid of when getting back with him, is that, a small mistake could trigger another set of heartbreaking, tear dropping and crushing scenarios of my life.  I do not want that.  I want a relationship, wherein, making a mistake is part of it.   Escaping the realities of being together with another human: the joy, the pain, the sadness, the tears, the mistakes, and feeling imprisoned-- is not a way to resolve and get a better look of things.

He may have the nicest qualities I may look for a man, patience, kindness, and humor, but the qualities of stronger man are the things that are useful to sustain a relationship and build a future.  For him, a relationship is just plainly happiness and to care for a person for some time while he's in love and not to create a bond with the person.  It hurts a lot when I got this news from him and I did try to make things go for the better by changing for him, that includes, shutting down my views for the future, giving more love than what he has expected and trying to correct everything so we can understand each other's differences.  But this only made us worse.  He saw me as a bitching nagger, a dictator of his life, and a monster that he can't live with.  This scared him and fleeted his love for me.  Blind as I was, I never knew what was going on his mind.  He never opened the topic.  And one day, he just took away everything.  The week after, he insulted me by really declaring that wants to go away from our so-called relationship.  A bitter end for me and relief for him.  Now, how hard can it be for him... He kept on moving on and I kept on weeping.