Christmas day! It was supposed to be happy for everyone, but not for me. I had to blurt out the decision I've made for both my boyfriend and I. We're on shaky grounds for more than a month. Let me go back to what happened.
On the last week of October, we suspected that I might be with child. Knowing that this will be a possibility, I discussed it with him. I thought he would readily accept the consequence of our deed. But he was not. I told him all out about having a family. And that I was ready, but I need him with me full time. A lot of things were said. I told him how dependent his family was to him and that he might have to change his priority when the baby arrives. But he can't. He can't make a decision outright with his possible new family. So I told him either he stays with us or he walks away. And he chose the latter. Yes... The Latter. As hurtful as it was, we did not have any communication for more than a week, except, for the time that I asked him if he had my ATM. He did. He dropped it off and approached me as if nothing happened. For me, I was still upset with the situation. He asked if we could talk about it, but I refused to, since it still hurts. I called him again to drop off my laundry at the office where I'm working. He met me at the lobby and whispered that he inserted a Pregnancy Test Kit for me to verify if we're really expecting. I sent a text message to him that day that he should rejoice and that it was negative. From that on, he never contacted me anymore.
For weeks I kept my mouth shut. Until one day, my colleague asked me how he was. And I blurted out that we weren't together anymore. A week after that, I really felt severe depression, anxiety and was furious. Using my mom's account in Facebook, I saw a picture of him partying. Enraged, I called him up and asked him to pay me up with the money he owes me or else, I will be filing a case against him. That's when he sounded like a mere beggar asking for alms. The day after the pitiful event, he came to our house to ask for further time. Since I'm still furious, I kept on pushing him. He had a lot of time to prepare the money and all he did was party. Two pay days have passed and he was not able to drop a message telling that he can't pay up. Several days have passed, he keeps on coming back to ask for further days to give him time to get the money. Still furious, I kept on pushing. As heavy as it feels, but the money was the only thing that I could do to hurt him. Let him feel what I've felt when chose to leave and go partying as if nothing happened.
Weeks have passed and he paid me up. I really wanted to fix the two of us. But he was hesitant. He said, there's something missing in me. That he was not ready. That I was holding him up to do the things that he want, things like, Badminton, Outreach Programs, Fun Runs, and other stuff that he did when he was single. He said, those things refreshes his soul. I told him, I never restrained him from doing anything since I've learned from the last big fight we had. I also told him he had the time but all he did was play. He kept on giving outright reasons why he can't be with me anymore. He told me that there are times that he wished I was dead. Or that I should have died! That way, he can get out of our relationship. But still, I never really gave a damn about it.
I kept on pushing. Because I still loved him. I loved him very much! I could never let go.
I was heavily depressed for a couple of weeks. I don't want to work. I don't to want to eat. I can't sleep. I don't want to move. I was ready to die at that moment. I was ready to be with God. I thought of ways to die. Then one day, I just gave up. I called him up and told him everything. I told him, if we can't be together, then what's the purpose of my life. I should end everything. I was going to kill myself. Then he called up and cried. He told me he was sorry to have put me in this position. He went to my house. He went there and saw me sitting at the edge of my bed, crying and feeling helpless. He went and hugged me. I didn't feel anything. I wanted to hug him back, but I just can't do that. I just cried. We were silent for a couple of minutes. I started talking. I told him, that I just can't handle it anymore. I've been thinking for weeks on what's that missing thing. What is the mere thing that I don't have. He answered back, "I have high expectations from you.". I was shocked. We're back to square one. Expectations. Expectations should have been in the past. I had mine and I changed it to keep us together. And now, he tells me he has high expectations. I changed myself for him. I focused my world to him. I gave him every dream that he wants and needs, like, unconditional love, a future for us, stuff he needed, and places to go since he loves traveling. I put on a lot of effort for both of us. All for him. All for his happiness. And for everything, now, he blames me. He blames me that I didn't live up to his expectations, I was the one holding him back, I was the one who kept me from his dreams of going out to the world, I was the one who takes all his time, and I was the one who should be gone. I laid everything out to him. I have nothing to lose because he was lost already. He should've asked himself. Isn't it wise to think and ask what he was doing lately? Because lately, I haven't really spent that much time because he keeps on playing his stupid loser online game. I keep on asking him to play badminton with me. I asked him when should we be going for a jog. I asked him to go out with his friends. But what did he do? Just play his lame online game. And there's another thing, he's not doing good in his work too. He's been told by his manager that he has commitment issues. AND NOW, I understand why he is not good for the Team Lead job. I now understand why, he's not given that job! And he did agree with me. He told me he's an addict. A game addict! And his reason was that an addict does not really get out easily of their addiction. I told him why were you not addicted to us. To our future. To the kid who could have been with us. But he didn't answer. I was crying as I really felt I was stabbed a lot of times until all pain emerged. What did I do to get this kind of suffering? What did I do to get this kind of treatment? I never did anything that made him feel bad, made him feel like he was a loser, made him feel he was never good enough. When my mom heard me cry out so loud, she intervened, that's when he told us that he was addicted. My mom was the one talking to him. She told him why is he blaming me for all the things that are missing. And then he kept on explaining that it wasn't my fault. That it was his. And that, it's all because of his addiction. We were left alone by mom to talk. We talked and he hugged me tightly. I went back up to my bed. Curled up. And he hugged me again. He tried apologizing and blamed addiction. Many hours passed by, we talked and talked. I was already trying to forgive him. And forgiveness did come. He made a promise that from now on, he will change. But it will still be difficult. He said that we should fix our misunderstandings right away and not wait for it to go for long days.
Days passed by. We were going along nicely. But then I still kept on thinking about everything. I was trying my best to be able to feel fine again. We were happy when we are together. But when we're not, all seems to be wrong. We still had simple misunderstandings but we try to fix it again. Two days before Christmas, we went strolling in the mall and we were looking for a digital camera for him to buy for his family. Time was almost up for that day since he has to go home. And all that day, I was still thinking about our situation. The previous years, he was eager to spend Christmas with me, even for a couple of hours before he goes home, but now, he was eager to go home. Even if he says he can still wait up for me until I finish shopping, but I could feel he really wants to leave. I don't want to keep him waiting. So while in a shop inside a mall, I told him with a heavy heart, that he should go home, but he insisted that he'll stay until I finish. But I was hesitant for him to stay long, because I don't want him to blame me again because of lack of time for himself and family. He left and tried to kiss and hug me. But I didn't hug nor kiss him back. That was the time, my world fell down. It struck hard that he really wasn't into us anymore. That I keep on lying to myself, that we were OK. The last night of Misa de Gallo came. I attended it. I prayed hard to Sto. Nino if I should go on with our relationship. I asked for a sign. A red rose for a NO, a white or any other color for a YES.
Christmas hour was fast approaching. He called up. Greeted as if nothing happened. He knew that when we were in the shop, I was frustrated. But didn't bring it up. He asked what I was doing and I answered him in a dry tone that I was playing. I really didn't want to talk to him that night. But since he insisted, I did. I told him that I was not happy anymore. I didn't have anything to look forward anymore. That, I was only happy when we are together, but when we are apart, I'm not. He told me he's not ready to settle down. I said to him, that's not the issue anymore, cause I was very willing to wait for him anytime. Now, I'm not. I can't imagine him doing it again in the future. Especially, if we're going to end up together, he'll probably go into the "shutdown" phase. I can't bear it anymore. I can't go into that phase again. Too much pain that I didn't deserve was enough. For my father said, "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.". But I guess, he has not realized anything yet. I am a forgiving and trusting person. If I want some things to stay, I give them a lot of chances. Unlimited chances even. But for this one, I am not sure anymore. Giving him a lot of chance will not only make his head grow bigger, but rather, it would make him more immature. Given that there was an divine intervention, then this time, I am sure.
I still admit that I would like for us to work out. And that, by this time, we really want and need each other. But if God decides our fate is to part ways and never again meet somewhere along the path of life, then, it is His final decision. I know there might be someone for me some day.
Most of the times, I still wonder why I don't feel anything. When I tell my close friends, they have their own opinions. But in the end, I'm the one who decides. There are times that when I tell my closest friends, tears roll down. And during the composition of this blog, tears keep on running. I really sense there is hope for us. But only if both of us are ready and committed. I am sure I am committed. I may have some things to change but I really am committed. But what about him? Is he committed enough? Will his girl be his priority? Will he ever tend to man up and face the truth of being in a relationship? Or will he just settle down, play, try to wonder and not do anything?
I still keep on praying to Sto. Nino if I ever did the right decision. I asked for another sign again. If we're going to be together, he'll come back within a month. If not, then, that's it.
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