A Decision

After thinking through the day about trying to win my ex-boyfriend's love back, I thought that it would be hard to push yourself to someone who does not love you.  What benefits could I be getting from this guy?  He has proven that he is uncertain in a lot of things.  He has already proven that I do not have any future with him.  He has already proven that he does not love me anymore.  He is not up for the challenges when in a relationship.  I thought a lot about it and even prayed for it. 

During lunchtime, I went to the Carmelites Monastery to pray.  The silence there keeps me calm and it lets me communicate to God heartily.  I asked God, is being "cared for" enough in a relationship?  Is saying "I love you" supposed to be responded with "I care for you"? Is this what you are saying "to be contented"? Am I supposed to be contented with what I have rather than what I need? These are the questions that I asked God. I may not have been given the full answer yet in my level of understanding, but what I am feeling is that, God wants me to let go already.  That's all I can understand for now. 

Until now, my ex-boyfriend and I are just friends.  But I think the way we hold our hands and his tiny kisses on my cheek and forehead means, we still have a chance.  But what I'm afraid of is that, a small mistake can trigger another incident of him to really fall out of love rather than fall in love with me.  A small mistake can cause a dilemma.  A small mistake takes the last chance I have with him.  A small mistake ends everything that we had.  I do not want this kind of relationship.  I'm afraid to get hurt again.  To feel the pain on what I've gone through.  To feel that nobody loves me. To feel that someone is pulling me down.  To feel that I am not worthy of loving. And especially, to regret the time I wasted.  I can't handle that again.  That's what I feel now.  That's what I don't need.  I don't want to think again on ways of how to end my miseries, they would be as easy as drowning myself to death, jumping off a building, or putting a bullet on my head.  I don't want to sell my soul to the devil. I don't want to put out my dreams for my family, just because of a man that shattered them. I want to feel that I can freely express myself to who I am with.

Although, I might be feeling what he has felt before, at least, at his time, I gave him too much love in return.  If he wants me to feel what he felt before, then I would suggest he also share the same amount of love I gave to him previously.

On the end of the day, as I write this small piece, I am yet uncertain of my decision.  But I still decide to let go.  I feel that I do not love him enough now.  I feel that I do not care for him that much.  I feel that he can not love me the way I did. And I feel that we will not love each other like the first time that we did.

I have to let go!

I felt I was in cloud nine when I patched things up with my ex-boyfriend. After we talked several things out, the thought of getting back with him is my main focus on that night.  But as we got it through, he asked me if we were going back together, and I said yes at first, but he asked me to be friends only, and I did accept it, but still thinking that I got back with him.  As we walked along going to a special church to pray for his ill relative, I asked him if he loved me when we were together months before, and he said he only cared for me. He instilled in me that he does not love me anymore, He only cares for me.  No matter how I asked if he did love me, he only answered he cares for me.  I know its already a heartbreaking statement coming from the one you love the most, but I still am in the thought that we're back together and it was fine with me already. 

Not until the night after.  He "texted" me after watching a movie with the whole team, asking if how was it and some chitchats.  Later, I kind of realized I was already taking too much time from him.  I remembered perfectly well that the cause of our breakup was because I demanded too much time from him, so I texted him that I might be disturbing him, so he should sleep now.  He responded that he needed too and we should talk again some time.  For me, that was it.  I really felt he does not love me anymore.  Who am I fooling? I just need to let go.  He does not love me.  He may need me but love was not in the picture.  He may care for me(still in question.. really!) and I for him, but love in this kind of relationship is a one-way flow. I just have to bang my head to be able to realize more.  I need to stop communicating with him.  I need to stop our chitchats. I need to stop caring for him.  I need to stop loving him. 

The truth hurts.  And no matter how I want for us to go on, I can't go through another set of pain.  What happened was enough.  It was more than enough.  I realized what my mistakes were and having to correct them is not through a person who will not accept that I will try, that I will really try.  I just can't accept that he no longer gives a damn of what I do, for all he can see are mistakes.  What I am afraid of when getting back with him, is that, a small mistake could trigger another set of heartbreaking, tear dropping and crushing scenarios of my life.  I do not want that.  I want a relationship, wherein, making a mistake is part of it.   Escaping the realities of being together with another human: the joy, the pain, the sadness, the tears, the mistakes, and feeling imprisoned-- is not a way to resolve and get a better look of things.

He may have the nicest qualities I may look for a man, patience, kindness, and humor, but the qualities of stronger man are the things that are useful to sustain a relationship and build a future.  For him, a relationship is just plainly happiness and to care for a person for some time while he's in love and not to create a bond with the person.  It hurts a lot when I got this news from him and I did try to make things go for the better by changing for him, that includes, shutting down my views for the future, giving more love than what he has expected and trying to correct everything so we can understand each other's differences.  But this only made us worse.  He saw me as a bitching nagger, a dictator of his life, and a monster that he can't live with.  This scared him and fleeted his love for me.  Blind as I was, I never knew what was going on his mind.  He never opened the topic.  And one day, he just took away everything.  The week after, he insulted me by really declaring that wants to go away from our so-called relationship.  A bitter end for me and relief for him.  Now, how hard can it be for him... He kept on moving on and I kept on weeping.